Don't worry, dads, it's not all on you. I've written another post for moms to understand that you need help too.
She potentially has a whole support system that you can help her build. She must have at least one of the following; a mom, sibling, aunt, friend, best friend, close coworker or other mom friend she's met. Even if the only other girl she knows is from social media, linking her to a mom group or something women supportive will help her.
You, however, are both her solid rock of security AND her waterfall of trust and vulnerability. At home when she's at her worst is where you meet her. Here are visible signs that she needs you to meet her more than halfway.
"More than halfway" means this is your time to stretch, she will have her times to stretch too. Even when you don't feel it, go beyond by;
- Saying something. Calmly tell her you notice these signs and ask how she's feeling.
- Doing something. Tell her you see these signs and want to help her by giving her a few hours to herself or offer she go out with a girlfriend. Even plan a date night.
These things go beyond just postpartum moms, these are for any female at any stage.
She throws the kids on you as soon as you get home.
WHY: She needs a valuable break. When she does this consistently she is overwhelmed and feels pressure all day that it's all on her at home. Keep in mind that at work you get a lunch and breaks all to yourself. You go to the bathroom when you want. You chat with coworkers and accomplish multiple tasks a day.
She gets none of that and to top it all off she likely feels unaccomplished and under motivated. The homemaker life gives little back in the daily short term for mothers who stay at home. You'd have to pay someone twice your paycheck or more to do what she does.
DO: What she needs is not a 10 minute break, but consistent and reliable breaks throughout the week or a long few hours break once a week. Take the kids and/or baby. Do the dinner and nighttime routine on your own sometimes. Choose a day where she can expect some relief and tell her you will take the evening off her hands. Watch her give you 15 minutes from then on when you get home. If after a while she doesn't, you have license to say something.
When one person stretches, the other typically will too. Parenthood is a push and pull of what you can both do. The days you're most tired you'll see her have energy and visa versa.
She complains about you not doing the same amount of work that she does.
WHY: She's overwhelmed. All of the housework recycles on repeat every day, multiple times a day. Simply put, after so many time of unloading the dishwasher, you just get annoyed with it. Same as you do some days at your normal job.
You're not the problem and neither is she. Housework is just something that needs to be tackled together. It's you and her against the problem, not against each other. You're both allowed to complain about the problem, as long as you fix it together.
DO: If you can afford it, hire a maid once a month or every three months. Otherwise, pick two chores for yourself that you don't normally do. Do one three times a week and the other twice a week. For example, do the after dinner dishes three times a week and sweep twice a week.
You can take my husband's secret and get the household hooked on Swiffer products to make your job easier.
She refuses to choose things, like what's for dinner, what errand to do next, what bill to pay, etc.
WHY: She wants you to lead. Her brain is like a chef's kitchen full of burners, broilers and fryers all with food and all on their own timers. Also, she is the only chef in that kitchen.
DO: Just pick an answer when she asks, she'll let you know if it's wrong. This actually does help her decide what is the best decision, she just needs to hear what you think out loud.
My favorite is asking her to guess where you're going for dinner or the next date and whatever she guesses it what's on her mind so, tell her she's right and plan for just that..
She gives short, spicy answers.
WHY: She's just tired of talking, a feeling most men know. It's easier to give a quick answer than to put everything in her head aside and give a more thought out answer. She does hear you and what you said is now on the list of things to resolve for her, but it may not be right then.
Sounding short tempered is also easier than giving a pause for a kinder approach with her attitude. This isn't just for women, it happens to everyone. She's simply stressed, unless you know you did something wrong..
DO: Give her time to respond, a few days or a week. Then you'll know it was just stress. If you did something wrong, you'll know if it before that time is up anyways. Veer on the safe side and get the girl flowers.
She ignores or stops listening to you.
WHY: Your words are losing value with her in that moment. She experienced something from you that caused her to lose trust, doubt your word or something else has become more important. These reasons sound like big deals, but they can be very small things.
Losing trust could mean you said you paid a bill, but didn't. Doubting you could mean you said you'd plan out all the details of mother in law visiting and dropped the ball so she had to swoop in last minute. Something else becoming more important could just be a big thing in her mind lately that she hasn't told you about yet.
DO: There's no other work around this but to talk it out. It's in the way you approach it. Ask why she's been so quiet lately, in those words. If you say she's not listening to you or ignoring you it puts the focus on her having to accommodate you. Asking why she's quiet puts the focus on her feelings and your care for her.
Crying more often.
WHY: She just has to let it out. There could be many many reason why she would cry more often. It could be stress, a sad time of year for her, something someone said or just hormones.
DO: Support her where you can. You don't have to have the right thing to say. You don't have to know exactly what's wrong. You don't have to be the one to solely support her either, you can lead her to someone who can help too. Ask if she'd like to talk to someone or if she wants to be left alone.
Do something to cheer her up, it will never ever hurt to give her her favorite candy.
These are the most common signs she needs some external support outside of picking herself back up on her own. She needs you or someone to care about the WHY behind the behavior and put some effort into helping.
If you want to keep a healthy relationship, you need to reach out to her if you notice any of these. Ignoring them until they seem to pass won't make it go away and it doesn't mean she's over it. All that happened is she found a way to be ok without you and likely the signs will come back double time or become consistent habits in how she communicates with you.
These are easy causes for fights and it can be hard to be the nicer one in these situations. The goal is that after you meet her more than halfway a few times, she will communicate better with you about her needs without the sign language AND that she will care for your needs too. When you look out for her she will learn how to also look out for you.
Add comment
Comments